I am broken. It took me a long time to admit that out loud. I used to cry alone, afraid to show anyone my weakness. We live in a society where we are supposed to be capable of handling a lot of things, and handling them well. I always thought that I had to pretend that everything was okay and that I was okay and that my life wasn’t too much for me. I have come to realize that isn’t even a little bit true. If I’m being honest I’m really not okay a lot of the time. There are a lot of days that I feel like I have more than I can handle. There have been days that I’ve told God that I know that he says that he won’t give me more than I can handle, but I don’t feel like it’s true because I feel like I’m being crushed by the weight of my world. I feel like I’m failing at every aspect of my life and none of the balls that I’ve been so carefully juggling are even in the air anymore… there are days that I feel like giving up. Sometimes I wonder what the point is if I’m just going to fail anyway. I feel like I’m on auto-pilot going through the motions to do what needs to be done.
I was picking my son up from my parent’s house the first time that I broke down in front of someone else. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I was talking to my mom and my sister and I just started crying. I told them about what a hard time I’d been having with my son and about the anxiety that I’d been experiencing because of him, and about the extreme guilt I’d been feeling over it. He had been hurting me- it started with biting and then was digging and pinching my upper arms so hard that I was covered in bruises. He was having a really rough time because he had very little routine since the beginning of COVID and I wanted to comfort him, but that instinct was warring with the instinct to protect myself. Every time he came near me I would cringe and brace myself because I knew that I was about to experience more pain- whether he was happy or upset because big emotions on either side of the spectrum had become too much and I was most likely going to experience pain from him either way. The guilt was weighing heavily on me. What kind of mother has anxiety over her child walking towards her? Anxiety about things happening to her child sure, but over pain caused to herself? I had to be the worst mother ever. They cried with me. That’s what family does and I have been blessed with an exceptionally great family. They told me it wasn’t my fault.
It was such a relief to have finally opened up to someone about what I was going through. I felt like I had been freed just a little bit from my burden. It didn’t change what I was going through, and I am still going through it and I still break down a lot because it is HARD. I am going to keep going though because he needs me now more than ever. He can’t tell me what he’s feeling with words so he shows me. I know that it’s not his fault, and I don’t believe that it is his intention to cause me this pain- he just doesn’t know what to do with his giant feelings.
Some days are going to be harder than others. It’s what makes the good days great. What you are doing in your child’s life matters. You matter to them even if they don’t know how to show it. You are their safe place. It’s the reason that I can come home after a long day at work and have my husband tell me our son has had a great day right before he starts having a meltdown. He feels more comfortable being himself around me than he does any other person in the world. He knows that no matter what he does I will still love him and comfort him. It is a great and horrible feeling because I don’t always get to see his best side and it is mentally, physically and emotionally draining. But even on the worst days I know that my love for him far outweighs the pain.